June 23, 2012

Witnessing is important, but remember to be quick about it. You only have one minute at most from the beginning of your gospel presentation. Then your friend will die. And when your friend is run over by that car or shot by that gang member, it is your fault if they go to hell. So try to get the conversion time down to about 30 seconds.

March 6, 2012

This is a song about how it is imperative that God show us his glory.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the ads on television for “Girls Gone Wild” (I’ve never seen it, I have the V-chip) but it is similar. We want God to lift up his shirt and show us his glory. The kingdom of heaven is like Spring Break, where we are surrounded by a bunch of people our age and having a blast now that we are finally away from our teachers.

At the beginning of the song we sing about how God should flash us his glory, and then we start to get more excited about it. Then we sing it again. If we repeat this enough, we start to get spiritually excited and sing it louder. Then in the third stanza, there is a line about how we want God to show us his glory, which leads logically to a line about how God should show us his glory. It ends in us spinning around and screaming (Jesus spins us, let it be known). This is called narrative songwriting.

February 12, 2012   3 notes

This video is why I cannot stop adding to this blog. Just when I think I’m out they pull me back in. So much beauty.

Who said Christians can’t be gangster? Or is it “gangsta”? Regardless, this kid is clearly a shining light unto our “ghetto” brothers and sisters. Greek to the greek and gangsta to the gangsta, right? Right, hit me!

1:33 is what I like to call “walking in tongues.”

1:47 marks the beginning of what seems like eternity in a time capsule. This near-epileptic fit is punctuated by an overly literal interpretation of the phrase “hit me.” I could only imagine the purple self-inflicted bruise developing underneath this young man’s pastel “Jesus is Lord” shirt. 

Also important to glean from this video, the irrelevance of rhythm. God is doing a new thing, and that new thing might be rapping in free time over a sweet 4/4 beat. Like the coolest jazz you ever heard. Or like the bluest jazz you ever heard, if you are so inclined. Additionally, I love the irony of starting this song doing a dance move called “The Metronome.”

I hope you’ve been touched by this.

March 26, 2011

I am so overstimulated right now. Meetings like this are not for the faint of heart.

December 17, 2010

Rock and Roll is evil. I know, like duh. Rock and roll is buttons and posters, etc. Clothing and stuff.

The golden moment of this sermon is when he channels the repentant burn victim (2:05 and forward), complete with the contorted face and burned lips (not lips like ours, mind you). This is a stand-up thing to do, giving this sickening creature a voice, even though he leaked that nasty fluid onto the pastor’s hand (I can’t believe he touched him. I want to vomit about this).

December 16, 2010

Yoga is utterly sinful, given. But what if we baptized it, renaming the moves and replacing the Eastern backdrops with crosses and candles purchased from a Christian book store? Well, that wouldn’t be yoga, that’d be Christoga.

December 9, 2010

The 80s was the golden decade of God’s favorite television network, TBN. Pink outfits and perms (perms that suggest a slow pinkish white cloudmobile) abound of this video. Note the beautiful succession of modulations, too. As the singer ascends the keys, Jesus gets closer. At least I think that’s how modulations work.

December 3, 2010

Closed eyes, bowed head, hand raised. Make an intense face, as though you are trying to make something levitate or pass a gall stone, so the sincerity is evident. I think watching babies worship is now my favorite pastime. I’m glad someone was there to capture this on video.

December 2, 2010

From the makers of Dance Praise, the Christian version of Dance Dance Revolution, comes Guitar Praise, the Christian version of Guitar Hero. They have Petra songs on this, so your parents (who are probably huge Petra fans) will also have to play it.

December 1, 2010

What is Heaven like? Well, I finally found out. Make your reservations now. Earthquakes are killing people left and right.

November 30, 2010

This is an Australian television commercial from 1980. I wish a certain Christian nation I know would air more commercials like this. Ahem.

November 29, 2010

This is Carman, a “talk-singer” Christian artist specializing primarily in songs either about fighting Satan (“Satan Bite The Dust,” “No Monsters in My House,” “Witch’s Invitation,” et al) or American’s need to realize it is actually Israel though it acts like Sodom and Gomorrah (“America Again,” for example). This is of the latter variety.

In this poignant video calling American schools to return to their Christian roots, Carman teams with legendary Christian rock band Petra. I admit the video can be a bit distracting at times, but God and the Bible’s inevitable triumphant return to the classroom is the main thrust. In case this isn’t explicitly clear, we have the standard NEWS FLASH FLASHBACK to 1962, highlighting the problem. 1962 was the year we officially abandoned our founding fathers with the Supreme Court issuing the statement, and I quote, “No God at all!” Let us not forget these were the same “wise men” (at least they were still all men at this point) who desegregated water fountains (a fact which Carman visually references at 0:58).

The main hook of this song is reminiscent of AC/DC’s hook from their satanic hit, “TNT.” Easy explanation for that. It is probably because Carman’s backing band is Petra. Petra always gets their music stolen by secular bands who just retool their Christian songs, replacing the words like “Jesus” with “Baby.” Petra also invented the doubly redundant keytar/keyboardist position but no secular band has yet dared to steal this musical innovation.

November 26, 2010

Saying those three little words can be hard.

November 24, 2010

All dogs go to heaven, but dog ministries are still just as important as puppet ministries.

November 23, 2010

Remember when Jacob wrestled with God? Well, I believe the Hebrew word translated as “wrestling” is probably more accurately translated as “tickle fighting.” I love getting hit with a basketball tickle-bomb of God’s glory as much as anyone, but sometimes it makes me soil my unmentionables, and that is where we should draw the line in corporate worship.

My favorite moments in no particular order:

0:46 High on the Most High, bro. I like that he uses the term “bro” with the unbeliever to let him know he is relevant.

1:49 A man seemingly pleasuring himself in the Spirit? I don’t know if that is more of a “quiet time” act of worship or if it is allowed in the church. It doesn’t seem like anyone minds.

Numerous times where pushing someone over signifies healing. Who says the church is losing its sacramental theology. Pushing is a sacrament.

Bam, wham bam bam, boom, etc. It doesn’t work if you don’t yell it, for those of you trying this at home.